It has been 47 years since my parent’s deaths and still no one has an answer for what really happened. There have been many theories thrown out over the years and some have been investigated and some have been dismissed. People who knew my mother all of her life have never believed, and never will, that she could have killed my father and then shot herself. Stories regarding the dispensation of my father’s business to a “silent partner” no one knew about, remain at the top of the skeptics list. I was 22, no local lawyer would represent me against a well known businessman, and I had to stand by and watch someone that I had no proof was the legal owner of that business take it away from me without as much as a legal notice. I was never able to find legal documents to prove that supposed partnership even existed. No documentation was registered in the county office. The man in question asked for a portion of my father’s life insurance(saying it was really for the company) and convinced me that if I did not give it to him my father’s reputation would be ruined like my mother’s. Today, someone in this position would receive professional help. PTSD had not been named then. Seeking any sort of mental help, even in these extreme circumstances, would have covered that person with a terrible stigma that would have destroyed any chances of a normal life. The South handled this sort of thing back then by telling the person to not embarrass the family and to not air the family laundry in public. No help at all. Just get over it and get on with your life.
This is the season leading up to Easter when Jesus was forced to carry his heavy wooden cross up a hill to die. My pastor has spoken about us all recognizing his/her own cross to bear. I had never given it much thought but our choices in life direct us to this cross and how we handle it.
Recently my husband’s mind and thought process has begun to severely deteriorate. He is just beginning to realize what I have known for the last year and a half. He is no longer competent to drive or make important decisions. Life has changed. I shoulder the load of making certain our bills are paid, repairs are made, doctors seen and medicines taken. As he realizes how his life has changed, he gets frustrated and doesn’t know how to cope. He can’t understand the television programs and gets frustrated when I can’t explain them so that he can. It is like watching light fade at the end of the day.
As his health deteriorates, I wonder at times if he might not prefer to die. He doesn’t look “forward” anymore.
I worry about his health and I worry about the possibility of his sudden, unexpected death. I try to be a good caregiver but I have a lung disease that has made me lose a great deal of weight and I am not able to rest and take care of myself the way I need to because of it. I stay tired and I know that I have lost most of my strength. I pray that God will help me continue to care for him as he deserves. I pray there is minimum arguments and that love continues to thrive.
RIVERS DELIVERS 